RENEGADE
by hollyandthediamonds
Summary: My second chance at life was not wanted, if I could have rejected it then I would have. But in the Reikai there are rules to be followed, and I had already broken one of them by attempting to commit suicide the first time. I wanted to embrace death, to take the short cut to the end of the road. Little did I know that there you would be waiting to drag me back to the starting line.
1. Renegade

The white capsules looked so drastically pale compared to my olive fingers—a detail that didn`t really matter or have any meaning.

I just wanted to wipe myself out of this world and slip into another. It didn`t matter where, just anywhere but the present state I was born into.

The water was getting cold in the bathtub as I stared intently at the palm of my hand. I could feel the goose bumps on my naked skin as the temperature continued to drop in the already lukewarm water.

_This is miserable._ I thought, _just end it._

On the side of the bathtub sat a small, rectangular razor blade—a plan B to assure me that if the pills took too long I could just tear into my forearms.

I listened to the silence, still and quiet with the rhythmic dripping from the faucet into the water. I held my breath for a moment, wondering how long I could stand sitting in a cold bathtub.

I didn`t trust myself. I knew there would be some hesitation at the eleventh hour, so I made myself some insurance. I knew it was a pretty petty thing to do, but I slipped a letter into a classmate`s locker that afternoon after everyone had gone home from their activities. In the letter was a brief message on what I had planned for the evening and an apology for the inconvenience.

As to whom the locker belonged to—I hadn`t realized... I just needed to know that if I didn`t go through with it, that if someone knew then I would be too embarrassed to show myself.

_Maybe everyone will get a day off school._

I couldn`t even laugh silently at my own joke. I wasn`t funny.

Taking a deep breath, I lifted my hand to my mouth and parted my lips, and poured the pills into my mouth like a dump truck into a landfill.

It took me a moment, but I managed to choke down all of the capsules without too much hassle. Each one landed in my stomach like a rocket, silently awaiting departure into oblivion.

I sunk further into the water, waiting. For the longest time, I felt nothing and the water only continued to grow colder as I felt like my body heat was rising. I could feel blood rushing to my face.

It had been a few minutes, but I felt my heart beating hard and fast in my chest. Gravity took hold of me, and I couldn`t tell if I had slipped or willingly let go of the sides of the tub and allowed myself to collapse into the water as my heart started to ache in my chest. Every beat came faster than the last one, the tempo increasing rapidly and more painfully as the seconds passed.

I was gasping in the shallow water, panicking as the pain in my chest only increased and the blood rushed through my veins. I felt dizzy, nausea taking over. I wanted to climb out of the tub and vomit, but I wouldn`t make it. I could only thrash my arms, which were losing feeling. I felt scared, and began to feel regret as I realized what I had done.

I wanted to be held, more than anything by my father. I wanted my Dad.

But I still wanted to end my life. I wanted the shit to stop.

But I wanted my Dad.

I was being pulled into the center of the Earth, the sound of the water moving around in the tub as I struggled growing farther away. My stomach pain growing fuzzy and numbing steadily as I began to black out.

I began to care less, throwing in the towel and relaxing into the water, which was beginning to feel warm as my body overheated.

This was what I wanted. Sweet peace, relief from the shit hole life I had been placed in. My talentless, worthless body was going to decay and my soul would part this world and all the horrible things in it.

I let the warmth lull me to a peaceful slumber.

* * *

**RENEGADE**  
**My bones will bleach, my flesh will flee—so help my lifeless frame to breathe.**  
**And God knows I`m not dying, but I bleed now.**

* * *

**_THREE HOURS PRIOR TO DEATH_**

_Clack._

What was probably the most horrid noise in the entire world filled my ears above all the other hustle and bustle of the shoppers who were partaking in winter feel-good shopping sprees. Business always picked up this time of year.

_Clack. _

I lifted my eyes from my sales per hour sheet and looked over across the walkway where the business manager for the_ Shiseido_ counter was tapping her long, debutant acrylics on the glass. My upper lip curled in disgust as I withdrew around the corner of the _Lancôme _counter so that I could start calling customers for our upcoming promotion.

I was always harassing customers from my clientele book for a promotion every other week. There was always something. A ten percent off all purchases, a free lash primer with mascara purchase, maybe even a full gift set depending on how much was spent at the counter.

I dialed nine and the first number under where I had left off from my calls the day before. I waited as the phone rang for what seemed to be forever before jumping to the machine, where I left an almost robotic message,

"Hello Tochigi-san. This is Fujikage, Masami, your Lancôme BA calling from your local Mitsukoshi department store. I`m leaving you a brief message to inform you about the upcoming event we`re having in cosmetics next Saturday. We`re taking a ten percent off of all our products for our preferred customers. This would be a great time to replenish your moisturizer and night serum. We also have a wonderful purchase with purchase right now including a full size eye-makeup remover and lash primer…"

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Shiseido`s business manager round the corner of my counter and lean against the inner cabinets lining the counter I was seated at with my phone, a smug look plastered on her face. She was tall, skinny with a hardened stare—beady, black eyes that could not be softened despite how much eyeliner she rimmed her eyes with.

"…I look forward to seeing you at the event and wish you a Happy Holiday season."

I hung the phone up, clearing my throat as the old hag parted her lips, wrinkled from years of sucking on cigarettes, and started in on her critic of my touch base phone call.

"Did you mention that all cardholders will receive another ten percent at the event if they spend over sixteen hundred yen?"

I punched my associate number into the register to glance at my quota card, an attempt to distract the woman from my obvious hatred for her as it had been radiating from my face as she spoke.

"No, I didn`t." Was my reply as I glanced at my quota—my numbers were down.

"Well I suggest knowing all of your facts before you call clients. Haruka and I were talking yesterday about your numbers and we noticed that when you make your calls you always talk in this tone of voice…"  
Haruka was the counter manager for Lancôme cosmetics. Although she was not nearly as bad as the business manager for Shiseida, she too could prove to be rather annoying at times when it came to my unreachable numbers. No one met their sales goal in the department. It just wasn`t realistic in the slightest.

The Hag opened her mouth to say something else, but stopped as she noticed a movement from around the counter. I watched her beady pupils observe the customer hovering over the lipstick display with curiosity in her eyes.  
"You have a customer." Was all she uttered before taking the rectangular glasses from her eyes and letting them hand from the beaded chain around her neck as she turned and walked back to her counter. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at the woman, and turned from my work station to address the woman interested in the lipsticks.

"Here I am! What can I help you with this evening?" I asked, reaching for the black vest draped over the consultation chair. I slipped it on over my dress clothes, zipping it up as I walked over to the display.

"I`ve been really into plum shades for the winter." She mused as she reached for a shimmery cranberry tone.

"Those are our long last formulas," I informed her, "Would you like to try some on?"

She looked over at me, dull brown eyes already accusing me of trying to con her into buying something. Most younger women gave me that look, as if I was personally out to get their money.  
I was just trying to do my job; Which was to make the customer look beautiful by using the products at hand while providing friendly service.  
Which was a lot to ask from a person like myself.

"Why don`t you take a seat?" I gestured to the counter`s chair—a bar stool looking type of chair with grey cushioning—the company name marked on the back rest with a tiny, rose emblem.

The woman seated herself as I reached for the skincare line first-specifically for the makeup remover so that I could start from the beginning. I preached about how important it is to take your makeup off before going to bed and et cetera. It was common knowledge that one shouldn`t wear a product for over twelve hours and not expect it to cause a break out.

Accompanied by a cotton round from the supply caddy, I removed the woman`s slightly worn makeup with tightly pursed lips, afraid to speak with Shiseido`s Business Manager standing over behind her counter, eavesdropping on my sale—ready to step in and show me how its done.

"I`m not planning on buying any foundation or skincare—I just wanted to try the lipstick." She countered as I reached for another brush to apply some blush to her cheekbones—which were high, her large brown eyes set atop of them filled with the suspicion that I would get my hopes up.

"Oh-No, that`s alright!" I laughed nervously, automatically feeling guilty for going through the selling procedures that I had been taught for every consultation. _Skin care first and then makeup. _

"I just figured I`d give you a little refresh, in case you were going out tonight or something." I lied, looking at her business casual attire. Her outfit was well put together, a black turtleneck tucked into a high-waisted, beige poodle skirt with a pair of red pumps. I noticed the lipstick she had chosen had resembled the wine red color of her shoes.

"Ha," She laughed at these words in a sardonic tone, bitterness enveloping her facial features. I cocked my head to the side, feigning concern. I didn`t really care. So maybe she was having guy trouble.

I was having life trouble. I would exchange life trouble for guy trouble any day.

"The last thing I`m thinking about is a man."

"Well, either way you`ll look good." I joked, forcing a smile on my face as I reached for the hygienic spray-which was really just pure alcohol-and doused the tester tube of lipstick with it before cleaning it off with a tissue. I then took the step of a q-tip and scraped the sanitized lip color onto it before using a clean brush to apply it to her lips.

She popped her jaw so that I could easily reach into the corners of her mouth with my brush, shading in her nude lips with a deep rouge color. I noticed that her eyes focused on the nametag attached to my vest.

"Your name is Fujikage?" She waited to ask until I had finished, laying the brush down so that I could clean it after the sale.

I nodded curtly as I placed the lipstick back onto the tray and turning to skip behind the counter and look for the same color in our inventory.  
"My little brother is in your class. Kuwabara, Kazuma."

My fingers froze over the box labeled, "721 Cranberry Crush". Kuwabara. _Kuwabara._

Memory recalled an incident where a young man in our class predicted the earthquake a couple months back. He had been hailed an every day hero in the hallways. Kuwabara, yeah, Kuwabara. He was a lot different than most of the other boys in our grade.

But there was another reason in particular that had made my heart stop altogether when she`d mentioned that. The lockers. Little cubby holes we were supposed to place our belongings and shoes in to change at the beginning and end of each school day. Little lockers labeled nice and neat with our names and numbers.

I had just realized who`s locker I had slipped my note into.

"Ah, yes, I know Kuwabara." I lied. I didn`t know Kuwabara, I knew _of_ him—two completely different concepts.

You see, when I look at the people around me—I don`t think that I know them. And they do not know me either. We know of each other. To creatures living in the same territory. They know nothing about me and I know nothing about them.

Of course, I never bothered to know anything about them.

But for some reason people thought it was okay to make up stories about me, pretend they knew me. Everyone had a story.

No one had ever asked me for mine.

"How much for the lipstick, Fujikage?" She asked, admiring herself in the hand mirror set on the counter. The wine red color was very flattering on the older Kuwabara, but I was focusing on something else that seemed to be miles away from the makeup counter.

"Twenty-six hundred." I said slowly, coming out of the trance as I locked eyes with that of the beady eyed hag at the Shiseido counter. I broke eye contact, smiling back at Kuwabara hard enough to form new crinkles by my eyes.

"What is it made out of, gold?" She snorted, reaching into her purse and pulling out her wallet regardless of the price,

"Oh well, here," She handed me the money to make change for her and I stopped short, taking a minute for my brain to realize she was going to actually buy the lipstick.

Why is she buying it if it`s so expensive, I thought, could it be because she`s trying to butter me up for something?

"Is something wrong?" She asked, when I didn`t take the money from her open hand. I shook my head, gathering my thoughts. I smiled politely and made my way to my register with her payment. I made the change, printed her receipt and rounded the counter to talk to her about being added to my clientele book. I stopped on the way back to the front of the counter to grab a couple of freebies; sample sizes of our eye makeup-remover, a mini mascara. I placed them in the bag while I was standing in front of her, handing her the change and receipt afterwards.

"Thank you," I said out of habit before turning to my clipboard with my new client slips that were blank and waiting to be filled. Every time we added a new client to our books we received gratis points-not that it would really matter for me. I wouldn`t be using any of my stock-piled gratis this year-which was almost over anyway.

I wasn`t planning on being alive to see the year of nineteen ninety four, let alone the rest of December.

"Would you mind it I added you to the books, so we can remember what color you picked and call you for any discounts available?" I was so tired of speaking these words. I kept reminding myself that it would be the last time I would hear them coming out of my own mouth. Or anyone`s mouth, actually. Were there makeup counters in the af terlife? Did they care about keeping in touch with their clients, and would I even work at a makeup counter in the afterlife…?

"Sure."

"I`ll need you to write your name and phone number. I can fill out everything else for you." I handed her the board along with the pen, glancing at the business manager for Shiseido who was organizing the lipstick display. Their eye shadows glimmered under the lights of the store. Shiseido`s shadows were the best in the department and I couldn`t help but admire them every so often.

"There you are." She handed my clipboard back to me, "Just ask for Shizuru when you call. It`s just my brother and I at home right now, so it shouldn`t be a hassle."

"Alright," I caught myself before I made an ass out of myself by adding something stupid like, "Say hello to your brother for me!" Out of mock-politeness.

Yeah, Masami, why don`t you ask them to dinner while you`re at it, or invite them over to watch you kill yourself in your bathtub later? Sounds like a great time!

The board didn`t budge from her hand, and I looked up to meet her eyes staring down at me, narrowed as if she was suspicious of something. Maybe she thought I was trying to scam her for something.

"When should I expect to hear from you?" She asked, her voice noticeably quieter than it was. I could barely hear her words over the other customers and the music playing through the speakers in the store. I stared up with wide eyes at the girl, eyes darting back and forth over the bridge of her nose to focus in on one pupil at a time.

"Two days." I lied, looking past her as I lied. She knew I wasn`t going to be calling. She could read every secret in me, like a mother when a child lies about breaking an antique. I would not be alive to call her in two days for a follow up on the lipstick.

She stepped back, breaking the stare-down with me as she did so and adjusted her blouse.

"Two days, then." She nodded, tucking her wallet into her purse and carrying on out of the store as if the awkward moment hadn`t even happened.

I stood watching her retreating figure, wondering how she could tell.

Had I been radiating my loathing of life within the five minutes we`d exchanged words?

I looked over to the Shiseido counter and found the manager working with a client of her own. No one else had seen the exchange either.

I let the curiosity of the moment die, and turned back to retreat behind the counter, client add in hand.

* * *

**_…MINUTES AFTER THE MATTER_**

"Well, it looks like someone got a little lost on their way back to their body!"

The voice thundered from overhead. Though they were heavy, I lifted my eyelids and winced at the sudden colors and light as my eyes adjusted after what seemed to be months of darkness. I took in the image of a young girl. Bright, violet eyes stared back.

"Am I dead?" I asked, completely disoriented. It was strange what a few handfuls upon handfuls of pain killers could do to you. I took in the appearance of a girl in a bright pink kimono, floating in mid air on what appeared to be an oar.

The female laughed, her cotton candy ponytail bouncing up and down as she threw her head back to howl in delight.  
"No, sweetie, well only for a moment. You really did a number on yourself—lucky for you the doctors will have you fixed up in a jiffy and you`ll be well on your way!"

...God _damnit._

I shot up, sitting straight on what seemed to be… thin air.

"What-no! No, you have to stop them!" I screeched, staring down at the city below us, an orange sunrise in the distance. I thrashed my limbs, trying to get somewhere with the absence of a sturdy landing. I was too distracted to hear the gasp of breath from behind me.

"What are you saying? Don`t you know suicide is considered an offence in the Spirit World?"

I looked down to my hands, transparent and pale. I could see the city below through my fingers, street lights flickering out with the sudden natural light, workers returning to office buildings. The dull and unadventurous life I had tried to pry myself from.

If I were breathing, my breath would have been caught in my throat.

"Masami, shame on you!" She scolded, "Life is supposed to be a gift—"

I threw my transparent hands over my ears, but they did nothing to muffle the chirping of the woman behind me. Confrontation, though I hated it, seemed like a good idea for some reason.  
"Yeah, well it didn`t feel like a gift!" I snapped, turning on her, "Who are you supposed to be anyway? Why is it any of your business, huh?"

The woman grinned from ear to ear,

"I thought you would never ask!"

She reached for my wrist, pulling me slowly down with her towards the building below us, chattering the whole while,

"My name is Botan and I am a messenger of the River Styx!"

"So I`m really dead. I really did it." I breathed, a real smile catching for a fleeting moment before Death itself shot me down.

"No, no you aren`t dead. You`ve just had a quick encounter with it. You`ll be back to feeling yourself in no time." Botan patted my hand in what I was sure she figured was a reassuring manner.

"Can`t you stop them?" I asked, yanking my arm from her. She looked up at me from the air below, as if I had punched her in the face.

"Oh my, you really did want to do it." The look of concern on her was nauseating. Yes, I had really wanted to kill myself. Who _accidently_ intends on killing themselves and who _accidently_ goes through with it?

A small book appeared in her hands as she floated upwards, to my level. She stuck her nose so far in the book that I began to become curious, peering over her shoulder. Words blurred as she rapidly flipped to a blank page, pulling a pen from thin air as well.

"I`m afraid I`m going to have to document this as an actual offense. It`s a warning really, since you aren`t completely dead yet, but it is going on your record."

"Would you mind telling me why the hell I`m not dead?" I snapped on her, raising my voice—which is rare in my case. I was used to staying quiet, unnoticed.

I watched Botan`s face contort in a strange expression. Her eyebrows knit together and she bit down on her lip momentarily before spewing the beans on me,

"You were found."

"How? My parents should still be at work now!" I argued, as if that would make a difference in the events that had already passed.

"You weren`t found by your parents," Botan reached out and grabbed my arm, pulling me closer to a hospital window. Her arm extended—I looked to the glass pane and stared back at the woman from the counter I had seen earlier that day.

Shizuru Kuwabara stood on the opposite side of the glass, staring at me as if she could see me. Her arms crossed, face contorted into a look of disappointment and relief at the same time.

"Come on, we need to get you back to your body."

I let Botan push me through the wall of the building, my eyes locked with my client from earlier that day as if we were old rivals in middle school meeting on the street for the first time in years but too estranged to speak to each other.

"It`s time, Masami," Botan beckoned me from behind the doors of the ER where my body was lying on a cot, surrounded by the hospital staff.

I looked at myself through the small windows on the double doors. I was pale, the olive color in my skin had disappeared. The doctors were trying to pump my stomach, waiting for me to awaken and spit out the remaining pills. My eyes were not closed, more so rolled into the back of my head in a trance.

Hands pressed against my shoulder blades, and I lost my footing though I was still floating mid-air. I was pulled forward by a force, flung into the body that was lying on the stretcher.

The light came to me as if I had traveled through a long tunnel. Light and then unbearable pain, I was gasping for air and spewing into a bag before I knew what was going on. Sighs of relief echoed through the emergency room.

And on the other side of those double doors was Shizuru Kuwabara`s retreating image for the second time that day.


	2. Church Channel

My return to the academy wasn`t as bad as I thought it had been—well, not for being placed in a mental hospital for three weeks. I was able to keep my job, as well as keep up with my studies.

I caught Kuwabara`s eyes on me, and they stayed as if they had already sewn seeds and grown roots to the chair I was sitting in. I pitied him, having to deal with the note I slipped in his locker. I had questions I was sure would go unanswered about whether he told anyone or kept quiet. Surely he told his sister shortly after he met with her at their home that evening.

And as for where and how they found me—I assumed they notified the authorities, though it seemed a bit strange that the older Kuwabara sibling had stayed at the hospital while my stomach was being pumped of all the pills I`d swallowed.

I stared hard at the boy from across the rows of desks, silently exchanging the apology about the note I`d left. His mouth was pressed into a straight line, brow tense. I watched him with tired eyes from over my shoulder.

Because though I had spent two months in the hospital, I was anything but rested.

* * *

**CHURCH CHANNEL**

* * *

…_**THREE DAYS BEFORE THE RETURN**_

"Should someone help her out of there?"

"She seems to be in a trance…"

I could barely hear the muffled words of the attendants as I floated on my back in the bathtub. No privacy, I might drown myself. Unfortunately I was afraid of drowning more than I was death—which is strange but at the same time, so am I.

I stared past them, at the ceiling on purpose. I was trying to pretend they weren`t there as best as I could. No one could tell me to get out of that bathtub. I`d stay in the water until it turned ice cold, until I shriveled and pruned to oblivion. I didn`t care. I imagined myself in an ocean, floating abandoned at sea in the middle of the night. I let the tide swallow me as the gravitational pull from the moon overhead ruled whether I drowned or lived.

So I closed my eyes, trying to envision what it would feel like to be in the dark and all alone without anyone standing over me or watching to make sure I didn`t try to slip under water intentionally.

I was interrupted before I could feel anything, pulled in a panic from the water and placed on the chair next to the tub, a towel thrown around my shoulders.

"Fujikage, you have visitors," A nurse in training informed me as she dried my hair with the towel aggressively, trying to rush so that my parents wouldn`t be kept waiting any longer.

I knew it was my parents, because I wouldn`t have any other visitors. The entire scenario would be swept under the rug as best as it could. And I was sure my mother would make damn sure of that.

The attendant released my hair from the towel, letting the dark strands fall to my shoulders in a wet mop of poorly nourished split ends. The shampoo they had us using was drying my hair out something awful—but a request for better soap would only be mocked by the staff.

My attendant slipped the crew neck sweat shirt over me, allowing me to poke my hands through the holes of the sleeves as she slipped it over my head. I stood so she could help me into the fitted blue jeans that were getting larger as the days passed. I had to force myself to eat the food.

I raised my hands to my head to gather my hair into a pontytail at the top of my head while the attendant tucked my sweat shirt into the high-waisted jeans; in proper nineties fashion. I felt like a child again, being watched so closely. It was almost degrading, but I had to keep reminding myself that I was the one that had put me in the hospital.

Well, actually, my parents had been the ones that signed all the paper work and wanted me to go. I still wanted to die.

My mother sat across the room from me, a hurt look in her eyes. A month had passed and she still wasn`t over what_ I_ had done to _her_. I couldn`t help but scrunch my face up in order to not gag at the thought that I was really thinking about her in my final moments. My eyes hit the floor, where my father`s feet were. He was another story.

My father sat straight in the chair, shoulders square and feet planted firmly on the floor. He didn`t look hurt, and that was why I couldn`t look at him—I knew he was looking at the situation as a "what do we do next?" kind of deal.

Thing is, Dad, it isn`t what you have to do. It`s what I have to do. What I have to live with.

"What Masami-kun is trying to express is that she wasn`t getting the attention she needed from either of you," Dr. Hara adjusted her glasses as I planted my face into the palm of my hand in frustration. The last thing I wanted was anyone`s attention-especially my parent`s.

"But she`s an only child—she`s always had our undivided attention!" My mother tried to argue, but I only snorted in reply,

"Because leaving me with Baa-chan counts as undivided attention." I mumbled. I knew my parents had nothing to do with why I had wanted to kill myself. The meeting was a waste of time and their money—which they were constantly griping about making ends meet, so why would they pour money into something as trivial as my 'mental health'? Come to think of it—they would save a load of cash if I wasn`t around to suck up their hard earned paychecks with my tuition and other necessities.

I sucked in my bottom lip as the therapist droned on and on to my parents about how misunderstood of a child I am, and that my attempted suicide was a cry for help that I needed support and patience—blah, blah. My father pretended every word was important though I knew he was scoffing internally. He never believed anything the doctors had to say. My mother listened with tears in her eyes as if I had betrayed her. She was taking it all way too seriously. We needed to work on our "communication skills" and express our thoughts to each other on a daily basis. It was all a bunch of bullshit, and I could tell my father was growing irritable because it was such a waste of time.

He was a school teacher—worked at the Junior High in the next town over—Sarayashiki. My mother was the secretary at the family doctor`s office in the same town my father worked in. They would commute to Sarayashiki every morning and come home at the same time—eight o'clock sharp every evening; Rain, shine, tsunami, meteor shower.

"What are we supposed to tell our family for the holiday?" My mother pressed for my release from the ward, afraid that our families personal life would be revealed and our weakness would be brought the surface for the relatives to gab about to eachother. My eyes wandered to the bookshelf filled with large encyclopedias and guides explaining how my brain was supposed to work.

"Mom, it isn`t always about your friggin' New Year celebration. Tell them I`m at a friends house or something." I groaned, leaning back into the chair I`d been trying to absorb myself into in order to escape the meeting.

"Don`t talk to your mother with that tone," My father reprimanded in a tone that I had desensitized myself from feeling any fear when hearing,

"There`s no way you can release her?"

"It isn`t that you can`t sign her out…" Dr. Hara admitted, and I almost shuddered in fear that I would have to face reality again. I tried my best to send the woman signals from across her desk. Help me out, Hara, just this once.

"You did sign her in, it`s just that we would advise against it."

"She can`t miss New Years!" My mother whispered to my father, and my father, regardless of what he thought would be the right thing to do, would rather hold his tongue and give the woman what she wanted to shut her up. I noticed that her skin was looking dull—the result of not having the money to afford the luxury skincare my gratis from the cosmetic department paid for. Though, it was cruel that I let that twinge my nerves. I knew my mother had never looked at me as a walking cosmetic discount or trophy child originally. Maybe the years had warped her values.

Or maybe it was my mind that the years had warped.

"We can continue with therapy but we`ll have to sign her out. She`s missing a lot of school and there are exams coming that she hasn`t prepared for."

I clenched my fists on the arms of the chair, knuckles turning white. I held my tongue, though I screamed on the inside to let me stay. I would rather not know what demons were waiting for me back home.

"We`ll be waiting at the front desk." My mother smiled, reaching for her purse and throwing it over her shoulder with a victorious grin plastered on her face.

I could have retched.

* * *

…_**PRESENT DAY**_

I stared down at the name in my clientele book. It had taken me a couple hours to catch up with my phone calls, but I had managed to make it to where I`d left off the day I had planned on never having to call a damned customer every again.

Kuwabara`s name glared up at me as intimidating as ever.

I flipped to the next page, venturing farther into the book and pretending as if I had accidently skipped over the previous without intending to—but I felt as if the name was still burning through the page. I wanted to ask her more than if her lipstick was satisfactory.

My fingers dialed each button so quickly I was sure to have made a mistake—but it rang and I held my breath. I kept thinking about hanging up the phone, pretending that I had the wrong number. Surely they weren`t frivolous enough to have caller ID being that it was too frivolous of an expense—especially when Shizuru had been adamant on only being sold a lipstick and nothing else.

On the third ring, the phone was picked up on the other line and Shizuru Kuwabara`s irritated tone came over the speaker—causing me to turn completely stiff. I was glad that I was hidden behind my counter walls, safe inside where no one could see me unless they were in fragrances. I thanked my lucky stars that the department store was dead that evening. I was there until close that night and I was the only other girl scheduled aside from the quit girl in Dior.

"Hello?" Shizuru grunted, and I heard her exhaling sharply as if she was blowing smoke out after taking a much needed drag of a cigarette.

Oh God, Masami, just say something! I panicked, and when I panicked I stammered my words together until the sentence was so botched that I needed to pause and start over completely.

"Er—Hi, Kuwabara-san, it`s me—I mean, I`m,"

"Masami. Fujikage." She answered for me, her tone relaxing before she added on, "What`s the matter?"

"Wha-nothing, I just," I peaked around the counter to make sure no customers were within earshot, "I just wanted to ask you how you were doing on your Cranberry Crush… the 24 hour…"

"You`re calling about the lipstick, really?" She shot back, her tone sounding as angry now-but in a good way. Not like the cold anger I would have expected from someone I didn`t know personally. Her tone was still warm, hurt that I would call her about something so trivial when the last time she saw me was…

"I save your damned life and you want to sell me a lipstick?"

I couldn`t answer right away, just stood, leaning against the white cabinets of my counter, my breath catching.

"You`re calling because you want to know how I found out." She went on, "You really don`t know, do you?"

"It`s because of the note. I left the note in your brother`s locker." I fessed up, running my fingers through my fringe on my forehead, gripping the roots of my hair tightly to relieve the rush of anxiety that was building.

"What note?" She seemed confused, "Kazu never said anything to me about a note."

I was certain I`d left the note in his locker. He hadn`t said anything to anyone about it—not even—but how? How could that _not_ have been it?

"You mean you knew that I was going to do it… but how did you…?"

"Masami, I don`t think you understand that you`ve been …projecting your thoughts."

Projecting? What was that even supposed to mean?

"I`ve been able to hear your voice in my head every time I come within the block. I thought you were asking for … I thought you were trying to get someone`s attention. I thought you wanted help."

"How have I been doing that?" I was getting defensive. She had to be mistaken.

"….You really don`t have a clue."

My mouth was dry and I had nothing to say. This woman was out of her mind—but how could she have known? Surely she had to have seen the note. She was trying to pull a prank on me. I knew I shouldn`t have called.

"I`m not trying to mess with you, Fujikage." She scoffed, "I can hear you. Christ, anyone with an ounce of spiritual awareness can hear you for blocks. This is a problem."

"What do I do about it?" I felt my body growing increasingly tense, as if y coworkers could hear my "projected" thoughts.

I would project them all the way over the Shiseido business manager, that salty sea wench.

"You really hate that manager."

"How are you doing that?!" I hissed into the receiver, clutching the phone tightly. I heard a snigger on the other end of the line.

"Write this address down," She ordered, laughter still in her voice, "I need you to stop by after work."

"My parents will be wondering why I`m not home." I answered, "I am kind of on suicide watch ever since my little incident."

She groaned, "I`m afraid to let you keep going around with that loud head of yours. …Let me talk to a friend of mine and I`ll call you back. Do you have a personal phone?"

I thought back to the cellular brick sitting in my top, bedside drawer. It had gone unused considering I never had anyone worth talking to and my parents had intended it to be for emergencies only, but it was the safest form of communication I owned. My mother couldn`t just simply pick up the phone and listen in on my conversations like she did on the land line.

I gave Shizuru my cellular number, figuring nothing bad could come from it.

But when I returned home that evening, I would regret ever encountering the woman.

* * *

The door to my bedroom let out a comforting groan as it swung open, the warmth of the furnace overpowering the closed-off bedroom was inviting and felt like a wool blanket, and I slipped into the dark room with half lidded eyes. I was exhausted from staying until close after a long day of class. I wasn`t used to my full student and work schedule, having been allowed to lay around all day in a hospital.

I fumbled in the dark for the light switch, yawning as my school bag slipped off my shoulder, falling from my hip to the carpet with a dull thud as the lights turned on, illuminating my slightly messed room.

"Hello there!" I was greeted by a familiar foreign accent, and my heart stopped as I saw the girl perched on the edge of my unmade bed.

The girl I had seen when I had knocked myself out of my body—I remembered her as vividly as I had before.

"Y-you!" My voice was loud, and the blue haired female was off of the bed and pressing a finger to my lips before I could blink.

"Shhhhh, Masami! Yes you remember me, good, good!" She giggled, though she had a bead of sweat rolling down the side of her face. She was nervous, and I only stared with wide eyes at the girl I had believed to be a hallucination.

"Shizuru sent me over! How nice to see you again!" She grinned, but her eyes didn`t even crinkle despite how widespread her mouth was. She stared down at me with her big, pink eyes and I noticed that she was dressed in casual wear-different from the pink traditional getup.

"You`re that girl," I spoke in a hushed tone, careful not to wake my parents. Surely they wouldn`t understand that her presence was not wanted. Not that they trusted me at all after the "stunt" I pulled.

"Yes, I`m Botan," She stepped back with her arms spread out, as if she was presenting herself in a formal manner, "Guide of the River Styx."

I snorted at the River Styx. There was no such thing as the afterlife. I hadn`t even died, this girl was just messing with me.

"Don`t you insult me like that, of course the River Styx is real!"

"God what is with you people!" I clamped my hands over my mouth as I realized how loud I`d gotten while defending my thoughts, "Stop reading my mind… however you`re doing it."

"You`re the one broadcasting like you`re a Church Channel!" She shoved her finger in my face, and I felt my back press up against the wall of my periwinkle colored bedroom, cross eyed as I focused on her manicured fingernail.

"Tell me how you were saved!"

I scoffed at this, rolling my eyes so hard they could have been caught on my eyebrows,

"I wasn`t _saved_. I wanted to die, and no, there is no afterlife—Spirit Realm-Limbo-Heaven-Paradise _whatever_ the _hell_ you want to call it. There is nothing. And you`re just a hallucination."

She stared with her brow quivering in anger as she bit down on her lip, "If there`s anything I can`t stand it`s a non-believer! You haven`t the first clue about the Spirit World—"

"I don`t. So why should I believe it exists?" I argued, causing her to go silent. Botan stepped back a little, collecting herself as her wide, pink eyes found the mint colored carpet at our feet.

"I suppose you have a point."

"Why are you in my house?" The question I had wanted to ask from the beginning rolled off my tongue as if it were a minor detail of the matter at hand, "Did Shizuru really send you?"

She nodded, humming a sound of approval as she did so. I watched her carefully as I stepped to the side, un-cornering myself from the so-called pilot of the River Styx.

"I wanted you to come with me-to meet someone who will have a lot more answers for you than I will." She explained, but one thing was for certain; I wasn`t going to go anywhere with her.

"I don`t think it`s such a good idea." I ventured towards my armoire to fish for a fresh pair of pajamas, "I have class in the morning and I`d really like to get some sleep."

"But what about your thoughts—Masami," Botan sounded frantic, "Every time you project a thought, it catches someone`s attention. It isn`t safe."

"How is it not safe?" I turned, a pair of flannel pants in my hands as I eyed the girl who stood in the corner, …frightened.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" I asked, cocking an eyebrow at her. She gulped heavily and lifted a finger to point directly past me, to my bedroom window.

Now I had seen a horror movie or two, and I knew that what was about to happen could not have been good. But of course, I whipped around anyway to become face to face with a pair of red eyes that struck fear in me.

"I didn`t want to have you go like this, Masami," Botan`s stern voice came from behind me, and I looked back to see her features had turned grave. She`d been pretending to be scared. She and the red-eyed monster were working together.

Along with Shizuru.

"Don`t hurt her, Hiei,"

"What the fuh—" I spun back to the window and saw that nothing was there, just the cracked pane allowing the cold winter air to brush my curtains back.

"You should really learn how to keep your thoughts to yourself," A new voice hissed in my ear.

I should have died, I thought, why couldn`t I have just offed myself correctly?

A deep, male voice that sent chills throughout my body as it spoke. I felt the warmth of his breath on the side of my face moments before I was knocked out completely from a blow to the back of my head,

"I can still hear you."


	3. Puppeteer

_**...SIX YEARS BEFORE THAT DAY**_

"What should we name her?"

My longtime childhood friend, Kaori, grinned excitedly at me, doll in hand. We were twelve years old at that time and in the first year of junior high school together—but we had been friends for much longer before then.

I glanced down at the doll. It was a popular cartoon character from a show we had watched together after school up until we were in fifth grade. We couldn`t play the game until we had named the doll. I decided on a name that was popular at the time, "Ai." I answered. Kaori nodded before slicing the backside of the doll down the middle and pulling the stuffing from it.

I retrieved the uncooked rice from the pantry and assisted Kaori in re-stuffing the doll with rice before sewing her back up with a dark red thread. We wrapped the doll in the remaining thread, tying the end tightly around it so that it wouldn`t slip and unravel.

At two thirty AM we decided we`d finish the prep for the game. In her parent`s living room we turned the channel to station that had no reception. We let the static play on a moderate volume level so that we could hear it faintly through out the entire floor. More standard procedures of the game followed.

At three AM we took to doll to the bathroom and filled the bathtub with water. I set Ai into the tub and watched her float, her innocent face staring up at us as if she could do no wrong.

"Kaori is the first_ it,_" I said to the doll, clearly—making sure to articulate every syllable. Kaori and I left her in the bathtub floating as we went throughout the house and turned all of the lights off—except for the TV which we left on, and then the safe room—Kaori`s bedroom—we had lined with coarse salt.

Kaori grabbed a pen from her school bag and we both went back to the bathroom, where Kaori poked the doll in its stomach with the pen and said "We found you, Ai. You`re the next_ it_!" Kaori tossed the pen into the tub along with the doll. We turned the lights in the bathroom out and went to our designated hiding spot—the coat closet in the entryway around the corner.

"Do you think it will work?" I asked Kaori as we crouched on the floor of the coat closet. I made sure I kept my voice hushed, as it was another rule of the game that we be quiet.

The game titled _Hide and Kill_.

"We`ll find out in a while, I guess," She said. I couldn`t see very well in the dark at first, but my eyes adjusted after a few minutes. We listened to the white noise coming from the static on the television screen.

"I`m getting bored." Kaori groaned after a few minutes, "Let` go watch a movie or something."

I listened to her rustling on the other side of the closet, standing up and brushing against winter coats that had been stored in plastic. I shushed her, not wanting to be caught. I was growing anxious as time had passed, becoming more afraid of what might happen as time ticked by.

"Masami, it`s not working." She slipped out of the closet, all the while I was holding my breath when she opened the door.

"Come on." She mumbled, her hand gripping the handle. In that moment, we heard a noise coming from the TV. It sounded almost like an internet connection starting up or like an emergency weather alert. The signal on the TV was wavering in volume as well. "Kaori please don`t leave." I begged in whispers, and Kaori tensed as well.

"I`m ending this game right now." She said, opening the door and leaving me behind in the closet. I sat in the corner, terrified that she had left me alone when our doll could have easily been looking for us.

I didn`t hear anything for a while. I thought I`d heard footsteps, but they were so faint that I could have been making it up in my head out of fear.

I stayed in that closet for ten or fifteen minutes wondering if Kaori was going to come back or if I was going to have to leave.

Finally I mustered up the courage to go find Kaori in the dark house. I gripped the glass of salt water that Kaori and I had made ourselves tightly and stood, letting myself out of the closet and into the dark house. I tried to calculate how quickly it would take me to run upstairs and into Kaori`s bedroom—the safe zone.

I stood in the dark, wondering where Kaori could have gone searching for the doll first. I supposed the best place to start would be the bathroom we`d put her in. I rounded the corner, into the dark bathroom with my cup of saltwater and froze when I glimpsed in the dark with strained eyes to see that there was nothing in the bathtub we`d filled with water.

As I stared at the empty bathtub, I heard the television signals flaring up again from the living room and they sent chills down my spine. At least, I`d thought they were chills of fear at first. I noticed the drop in the temperature after we`d finished playing the game.

I was so scared that I was frozen in place for a long time. I thought about turning the lights on, calling for my mom to come get me.

And then, I heard a clatter from the kitchen and the sound of Kaori screaming in the dark. I sucked in my breath and ran out of the bathroom and down the hall to the kitchen. I was too frightened to keep the lights off, and I made sure to hit not only the kitchen lights on my way in, but also the lights to the hallway as well. I had spilled all of my saltwater from my cup when I`d jumped from Kaori`s screaming and had nothing to defend myself with any more.

I winced once the lights had flickered on and looked around. I rounded the counter and found Kaori in the corner of the kitchen, a bloody mess as she held her bleeding side with two hands. Tears were in her eyes and she looked petrified at me.

"You have to stop the ritual, Masami," She pleaded.  
"Where`s the doll?" I asked, abandoning the rule of the game—which was to remain quiet. Kaori stared at me blankly as she bled out on the floor. I tried to calm myself from the violent shaking I`d been doing long enough to reach for the receiver of the phone on the wall of the kitchen and dial for the paramedics.

"Masami you have to pour salt water on the doll!" Kaori shouted at me angrily as she sat in the corner, gritting her teeth tightly out of pain. I grabbed a knife from the rack on the counter as I cradled the phone in the crook of my neck.

I turned around to look for the doll and saw nothing, figuring that it had been looking for me elsewhere. I couldn`t remember where I`d put the salt last…

It was upstairs in Kaori`s room. I handed her the phone as it begun to ring and made my way through the house to the stairs, flicking on every light on my way through that part of the house.

But as I reached the top of the stairs, I saw the outline of the doll—illuminated by the light coming from Kaori`s bedroom. In it`s hand was the pen we`d given it.

I stood, staring at that cartoon character from the top of the stairs as it waited for me at the end of the hall.

And I couldn`t remember the original name of the cartoon character for some reason. As I stood at the other end of the hall, I was hypnotized. All I could think of was the name _Ai._

"Put the pen down." I felt cold sweat running down my face. The doll didn`t acknowledge me. I stepped forward towards it. She stood upright in the lit doorway, she hadn`t moved since I`d spotted her at the top of the stairs.

I took another step forward and watched as Ai, the doll, dropped the pen to the floor. I sighed with relief, hoping that the situation wasn`t as scary as I was making it out to be. Maybe it wasn`t as strong as we thought.

"Okay, I`m going to go get the salt." I said, walking towards the doll. I heard the television downstairs going crazy, volume blaring the white noise which ever step I took—until I was suddenly knocked on my back, shrieking. I felt all the blood in my body turn cold. My head snapped up to look at the doll, and I found it mirroring my position on the ground a few feet in front of me.  
It was lifeless, lying on its back.

I scrambled to my feet and bolted past the doll and into Kaori`s bedroom, finding the salt and her glass of water that she`d forgotten on her desk. I ran back to the doorway where the doll was laying just outside of it.

I took a sip of saltwater and then spit it out on top of the doll, spraying the doll with it and throwing the remaining liquid in the cup onto the doll before shouting,

"I win, I win, I win!"

I stood over the doll in the doorway for a minute, trying to gather myself. The volume on the TV had gone back to the level we`d set it as, and the doll hadn`t budged. I reached forward and gripped it by the hair and carried it downstairs with me to Kaori.

Kaori needed stitches. We told her parents and the paramedics that we had been dancing to a music video on the television and Kaori stabbed herself in the side by accident. They believed we were stupid enough to be capable of something such as that.

I threw the doll in the river the following Monday on my way to school.

Neither of us had mentioned it to each other again. We eventually had a falling out as we grew older. I hadn`t spoken to Kaori in over a year before I`d tried to kill myself.

I`d tried my best to block the doll incident from my mind completely.

* * *

**PUPPETEER**

* * *

"It`s amazing the kind of filth humans breed."

I was slumped in an armchair, awakened to the sound of a droning troll standing behind me. To my right sat the ferry girl, Botan. And before me, a small child seated at a light, oak wood desk—piled with documents and manila folders.

"Always a pleasure, Hiei." Botan sent a glare over her shoulder, her head leaning over the back of her chair as well. She looked tired, exhausted, and frankly I felt the same way she looked as I was coming out of my miniature coma.

I focused in on her bright, unnaturally colored eyes. She must have been wearing some form of lenses. I watched as they focused on me, and the crows feet in the corners of her lids appeared as she gave me a sultry smile.  
"Welcome back to the Reikai, Masami," She yawned the last half of the sentence, but she annunciated just enough. I sat up straight, my heavy head trying to weigh me down, but I fought it. My body felt drunk but my mind was fully functioning.

_I must be tripping on something_, I thought, _am I at a daycare clinic?_

A snort came from behind me, amused and quiet. I turned to see the familiar boy that had startled me back in my bedroom.

"Like Botan said," The toddler before me spoke with his eyes closed tightly, his jaw tense, "You`re in the Reikai."

"Whoops, I forgot I was doing that." I couldn`t help but let out a chuckle as I spoke. I`d clearly struck a nerve. Of course, why was a toddler speaking to me from behind a desk?  
"Why… am I doing that?"

"It`s a miscommunication of your spiritual abilities. You`re using your energy to push your thoughts out …almost like a cry for help, really in some ways. At least that is how it has begun for others in the beginning."

"Well that would make sense." I mused, thinking about all the times I had suppressed my feelings with no outlet. Except…

"Actually, ha, no that doesn`t make sense to me at all." I said, looking up at the toddler while scrunching my nose up,

"Who did you say you were again?"

"My name is Koenma and I oversee everything happening here in the Reikai and the realm that you`ve come from, the Ningenkai. Pleasure to make your acquaintance," He spoke quickly in his high-pitched voice, wasting as little time as possible,

"As I was saying—you have been using it as a cry for help since your last encounter with us and it has been brought to our attention. We believe you to be …calling apparitions from another realm, trying to communicate with them."

"Apparitions?" I blinked, "I`m sorry," I stuttered, "I just don`t think that`s what`s going on …at all. I`m just trying to get by with my job and school without any negative repercussions. I want to slide by, I want to appear as small as possible. I don`t want to attract any unwanted attention, I—"

"I would say that it isn`t your fault, but it really is. However, we can help you control it." Koenma interrupted, "Unless you would like to spend the remainder of your time here in the Reikai filing paperwork alongside Botan."

The blue-haired girl looked at me without any soul in her once lively looking eyes at the mention of filing paperwork and shook her head from side to side. I wouldn`t lie, I was frightened at the expression she made.  
_Filing paperwork… for how long?_

"For an eternity." She whined, the back of her hand laying against her forehead.

"Yes, so I presume you`re willing to cooperate with us," Koenma`s tiny, baby voice seemed rather hostile and accusing—which only made me want to crawl further inside myself. I became offended, opening my mouth to defend that _this was not my fault._

"Didn`t you hear?" The troll from behind me piped up, "It is indeed _your fault_. Perhaps we should just throw her to the wall of demons that are charging the barrier of the Makai and let them have her?"

"Now Hiei, that`s hardly the humane thing to do. You know that`s against the law."

"What the—!" I was interrupted again by the toddler,

"We`ll simply have to have her go through the appropriate training to control it," He turned back to me, "Masami, what is your availability looking like?"

I snorted in response. Availability—what availability? I was a full time high school student with an overbearing part time job while I was being crushed by the weight of the world after just being released from a mental hospital—_without_ a certificate of sanity and wellness to frame and hang on my wall.

"I don`t have any availability—unless you plan on paying me, that is." I sounded snide, but in all honesty, I didn`t have time to sit in this office and toil away during the hours I was supposed to be sleeping before getting up the next morning and starting the horrendous daily routine over again.

"You`re causing us all sorts of trouble on the Makai barrier and you think I`m going to pay you?!" The toddler about crapped himself as he scolded me from over his fancy desk.

I nodded a couple times, pouting my lips. I didn`t have time for this. There really wasn`t any proof that this wasn`t a dream, because it sure as hell didn`t make any sense to me. Who knows, maybe I had died and this was hell. My punishment for committing suicide.

"I can assure you this is no dream!" Koenma shouted once more, and I frowned in an embarrassed way, averting my eyes to the tiled floor. I was still dressed in my work clothes; black—slacks, undershirt and vest with the brushes still in their holsters.

Along with the white, generic windbreaker I`d dawned over it for the rainy weather we`d been having lately.

"I`m afraid that even if this is all very real, I don`t have the kind of time to spend on your nonsense training methods, or whatever you want to call them. I have parents and they`ll be wondering where I am and what kind of new crowd I`m hanging out with—especially after trying to off myself. My parents aren`t as dumb as I would like to think they are." Folding my arms across my chest, I sat up straight in my chair. Speaking of, I wondered if my parents had checked on me during the night. If it even was night anymore.

"It`s half past midnight." Botan answered with a smile. I smiled in reply, as she was the only pleasant person in the room. Wouldn`t be a good idea to be rude to the only person in the room that I could tolerate.

"We can _hear_ you," The toddler grew more irritated, "I`ll have you know that I could punish you severely for attempting suicide but I haven`t."

_I`m punished being forced to live with its consequences of surviving, anyway_.

"And who`s fault is that?" The troll from the back of the room spoke again, the tone of his voice grating on my nerves. I heard another snort of amusement shortly after and I assumed my thoughts were to blame.

"Masami, this is a much more serious manner than I think you realize. You are not well informed of the apparitions you have been riling up on the other side of the barrier, but I can assure you the uprising that will soon come are far more serious than the repercussions of a failed suicide."

"How serious?" I asked, still doubtful.

I was whirled around in the chair-which I believe was not meant to be a swivel by the troll boy, meeting his un amused expression-his also unnaturally colored eyes boring down into mine.

"Imagine monsters that your human girl brain can only think up in nightmares—ripping you from limb to limb, devouring you because you can`t control your thoughts—much like a female cat can`t control howling when in heat. Not only are you obnoxious but you are raising riots on the border. And do you _know_ who _patrols _the border?" His tone was dripping with venom. I could only assume this was personal on a level for him—being that he was probably the one patrolling this "border", if this border really existed.

I stared with wide eyes, unable to comprehend what he was going on about. I only understood that I was somehow making his life harder, which, I could empathize with.

Because these assholes were making my life pretty damn hard at the moment too.

"Your problems are nothing in comparison!" Koenma shrieked.

"Let me make this perfectly clear to you," Hiei leaned in closer to me, and I had never looked into a pair of more intimidating eyes,

"You will either cooperate with the toddler`s way or mine. You _don`t_ want to choose _mine_."

"That doesn`t leave me a lot of options," I pointed out, staring ahead blankly into the red irises that were trying to shoot laser beams into mine.

"That was the _point_."

"Well, my answer is no." I folded my arms, crossing one knee over the other while lifting my chin, making sure that my nose was high in the air. I swiveled back towards the desk so that I could give the spiteful look to the baby.

I was jerked back around to the hateful troll, who was about two seconds from shoving one of the dangerously sharp spikes on his head through my neck.

"Koenma, make an exception and let me kill her now."

"Don`t let her tempt you!" Koenma fired back, "Masami, you listen to me now!"

Hiei whirled me back around to face the toddler, who was addressing me with what seemed to be almost a punishment for literally doing _nothing_.

"You will participate in the training. I`ll start devising a plan to clear up your availability."

"If you think you`re going to cut my hours at work, then you—"

"Botan, you can take Miss Fujikage back home."

"What?!" I shouted, standing up so that I could tower over him, "You think that you can just break in an enter my home and have this troll knock me out—"

"Okay, Masami, let`s go!" Botan stood up and reached for my arm, to which I ripped from her grasp,

"—_Are you all out of your mind_?!"

"Hiei, would you mind?" Koenma ignored me, turning back to a pile of paperwork.

"I don`t work for you anymore, brat," Hiei barked from behind me—

A single moment before I blacked out for the second time that evening.

* * *

_**...SIXTEEN HOURS LATER**_

"Where are you going?" I asked my Dad as he turned the corner. He`d picked me up early from school that day. It was my only day off that week, and my father was going to waste it by dicking around behind the wheel and forcing me to run errands with him.

I adjusted the vent that the heat had been coming through so it wasn`t blowing hot air in my face. Dad rarely took the car out, so it was exceptionally strange to me that he had picked me up from school in it—seeing that I had a train pass so that I could get to and from school without hassling him or my mother.

"Dad." I pressed, beginning to worry. I had been on my guard ever since I`d come home from the hospital—because I knew that they were on their guard around me as well. Maybe he had planned on coming home late and he didn`t want to leave me home alone.

"Your mother and I," He started, pausing briefly so that he could gather his thoughts in a way that would probably least offend me,

"Well not so much your mother," He corrected, "But I`ve been thinking a lot about taking you out of the hospital early."

I felt my body freeze. I didn`t want to go back to the hospital, but I wouldn`t lie—I was far more peaceful there. But I knew there would come another time when I would have to leave and get comfortable with my old life. That is, until I couldn`t take it anymore and decided to off myself in a more sufficient manner.

"And I`ve been thinking about how you said we were doing it for… superficial reasons."

"The New Years party.

"…Right, and I`ll agree—though don`t tell your mother I said this,"  
_Don`t tell your mother I said this,_ was a common phrase thrown around between the two of us. Not because my parents hated each other or that my father had slighted feelings towards my mother, but because my mother had a very interesting type of personality.

The type that would bite your head off without a moment`s notice if things didn`t always end her way.

"Your mother loves you. She just doesn`t have a bachelor`s degree in Psychology like your father does."

"Right." I groaned. I`d heard about my father`s _almost _degree in psychology a million times before. He never actually got his bachelor`s degree. He changed his major. He`s a junior high school educator. He`s not a psychologist. We might not have this problem had he been a psychologist.

"But I`ve been thinking about what your counselor said and I think it would be best if you were still s_omewhat _…institutionalized,"

I didn`t say anything and let him continue with, "That was a horrible choice of words."

"It really was, Dad," I mumbled as I turned to look out the window. The city of Sayashiki passing by at thirty five miles per hour as we rolled through main street.

I wanted to jump out the car and roll in front of another vehicle and end this conversation as soon as possible.

"Your counselor suggested a group home when I talked to her."

Oh great, I thought, another reason for me to want to kill myself. I have to live with a bunch of drug addicts. A group home for the mentally ill. _Hey Masami, I heard you live with a bunch of crazies._ Perfect. I can now live in a mental hospital and go to school and work while transported by the _short bus_.

"That`s a terrible idea." Was all I could manage to utter.

"I know, but your mother and I can`t keep going to work and wonder whether our daughter is at home or out somewhere… trying to kill herself."

I held my breath. His voice cracked on the last few words, and I knew he was emotionally distraught over what I`d done—though he didn`t show it.

I felt the blood rush to my face in embarrassment. It made me uncomfortable to face the pain and suffering I`d inflicted on him. Because I knew my father really had my best interest at heart. And I wasn`t going to argue with that.

"Okay." Was my response. I fought back the tears that were welling in my eyes. I wanted to scream a thousand "sorry`s" but I knew that wouldn`t change a thing.

I was putty when it came to my dad. Out of the corner of my eye I watched as he stared hard at the traffic in front of us. My father was extremely sensitive though everyone assumed he was a hard ass.

When I was little we used to stay up late and watch chick flicks together. Mom was never into them. He was always the more sensitive one in the relationship. It didn`t mean my mother didn`t care about me. I don`t know. Sometimes I still wondered. And it made me sad that I even thought about it. Maybe a group home was a good idea.

We rolled to a stop in front of a two story home in a suburban area. Dad and I looked at each other skeptically and then back to the home. There was no sign, no way for anyone on the outside to see that it was a group home in shape or form.

"Is this the right place?"

My father reached over my knee and into the glove box, pulling a pamphlet from it. Sure enough, on the cover was the same home that we had pulled in front of.

"It`s so obscured." I said as I looked over his shoulder at the pamphlet. The both of us read quietly about the "quaint group home in the middle of suburbia" for a couple of moments before there was a loud wrapping on the car window.

I looked over to my right to see Botan standing outside the car—dressed in a white lab coat and oversized glasses. A clipboard was tucked under her arm.

I shrieked loudly and shoved the lock on the door back down.

"Dad, drive! Quick!"

"Masami, what are you panicking for?" He couldn`t understand why I was so frantic.

Instead of comforting me and obliging to hitting the accelerator, he reached over and grabbed the handle on my door-rolling it down so that we could better hear Botan`s yacking.

"Dad don`t talk to her! These people are insane!" I kept shouting, fighting him for control of the handle.

"Welcome to our home!" Botan dove right in, shoving her head into the car via the open window. I still fought like hell to roll the glass up whether it was going to decapitate her or not.

"Masami, please!" My dad shouted over me as I tried to shove Botan`s head out of the window.

"I see we have a feisty one!" She cackled, pulling back and lifting the lock on the door before swinging the door open and jerking me out by the arm.

"Get away from me, Reaper!" I spat, holding onto the car door for dear life.

"Daddy, please don`t leave me here!" I shouted, kicking at Botan now. My dad removed himself from his vehicle so that he could keep me from giving Botan a reason to press charges on me for assaulting her.

"Eikichi, come back!"

I turned to see a young man of maybe seventeen or eighteen with slicked back hair crab walking across the lawn of the house, his tongue hanging out of the side of his mouth.

"He was followed by Shizuru Kuwabara, who was also wearing a white lab coat. She scooped him up under the arms and he went limp, forcing her to drag him over to the car to greet us.

I only thrashed against Botan harder. I had no idea what these people were planning but this was far too extreme.  
"Dad, they aren`t human! These people are insane I`m not kidding don`t leave me here!"

"Well, we don`t like to use the word _insane_," Botan giggled, "We`re all just very unique!"

I paused to look at her in horror before turning back to my dad, who had tears in his eyes as he gripped my other arm, which had been gripping the door of the car for dear life.

"Please don`t make this harder for me than it already is." Tears formed in his eyes and I froze right there. There are a lot of things in my life I wish that I could pay to un-see, but the sight of my father crying was too much to handle.

I uncurled my fingers from the door and let Botan grip me firmly by the shoulders.

"Okay." I said, my eyes falling to my feet as I stood in the driveway.

"I love you." The words weren`t often spoken until my incident, but I knew that he meant them. My father wrapped his arms around me and I wrapped mine around him, wishing that he would never let me go.

He let me go first, and I was pulled back by Botan once more, who had replaced my fathers arms with hers—almost like she was holding me captive.

"We`ll be taking good care of her! We`ll fax you the paperwork!" She waved her hand at my father as placed my suitcase on the drive way and rounded the car once more to the driver`s side, nodding in response. Too choked up to speak. He looked at me and nodded again, a silent goodbye as he got back in his car and starting the engine.

"Dad," I breathed the word as his car disappeared around the block, trying not to cry. I felt so guilty for what I`d done to him. I wished he were more like my mother. That he wasn` t a weakness to me.

"That isn`t weakness."

I turned to see the boy that was previously collapsed in Shizuru`s arms standing now on his own, without her standing over him. He stretched his neck to the left.

"They were right, you are obnoxious."  
"Who the hell is this?" I snapped, looking over to Shizuru and Botan who looked as if they had mixed feelings about the answer they were about to give.

"Your…" Botan started, pausing. Unsure what to call him.

"Yusuke."


End file.
